Author Archives: ashishhawking
A New World – Ego is the Ruler, Our Sensations are the follower where innocence and love are only in movies
One of my friend celebrated his birthday few days before had a little late party till 5 am . He gave a surprise party the same night surprising everyone with 15 bottles of bear , 20 packets cigarettes and freshly prepared “charas and gaanja dunno exactly ” .They were full on with beer , wine and the non -stop smoking while some even went a step ahead and tried “charas” some tried 1st time . I got to know all this when suddenly a quarrel broke out and loud abusive words woke me up . And this time victim had no right to offend himself because he was beaten up when he was drunk . Which in a college no big case to filed case against.
I once happened to ask one of my colleague what’s the pleasure he discovers when he is in the famous state of “going hangover” and ” its ultimate ashish , you lose yourself , you lose your pain , weight and everything you feel is simply ultimate” which I really found so so funny. And when I was in the process of giving a second thought to this wine or beer I reminded my happiest moments and soon I recollected lots of those and some of them was few hours ago only . And to my surprise I found most of the reasons were simply and nothing and to maximum to the joy of drinking bournvita when I used to offend milk. And there was no wine to the far extent. And what struck to me was if I am already finding so many happy moments when I am conscious then why trying to dig joy even in subconscious state.
( really sorry for misguiding from the topic but that’s I am , sometime I even don’t know where I am leading and still its not wine affect)
And then I realized something “we always try to fill our empty spaces and materials simply add to our empty spaces ” . So what I found after asking so many of my friends actually they started drinking or smoking or any such activities because some other did it. And when they started it was liked by their physical sensation and soon it got stuck to their ego from then its simply ego ruling and sensation following. I am still not offending drinking or sort of but simply drinking to lose sensation and feel the ultimate seems so fake. Its simply cheating ourselves and losing our true-self called innocence. And slowly these habits become ego-balloons making them almost resistant to everything.
This is just one example , likewise there are so so many cases where we are simply trying to do everything or anything which only few do or which gives us fame or so many. And hence igniting so many negative traits like jealousy , fake to ourselves , negative , egoistic , untrustworthy , losing love , emotionless and lot of those. Amid these all we lose ourselves. We rarely talk to ourselves and try to understand the real need real matter lying inside us.
And I know all those who are in this new world including me will rarely grasp it as I know every word of it will shoot their ego-balloon.
End on this note
Hope that day comes when we do everything we love and love with purest of our innocence. That wont be the state of nirvana but it will be drinking yet loving , trendy yet respecting , competitive yet no jealousy.
I DIDN’T KNOW TILL FEW HOURS AGO ABOUT , HAD NEVER HEARD ABOUT AND OFCOURSE NEVER SAW YOU. But in a blink of the moment she has forced me to think upon it not only her but about me , my life and many more. Of course while I am writing this because I heard some unheard urgency being cited by my intuition and I love to be tamed by my intuition.
Tejaswee Rao 19 jan 1991 to 11 aug 2010.
As I was going through my usual surfing of blogs I came across Tejaswee’s mother’s blog (http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/ and from their I managed to land on tejaswee’s blog (last post being on 29th july) .
And just by reading blogs I know many will offend saying ” isnt it too early to get inspired” . My answer will be intuition believes in nanoseconds .
And the very 1st post (http://blabberblah.wordpress.com/2009/08/25/a-letter-to-the-future/) of her was remarkable revealing all her innocence , truthfulness , rare one of her age to show eagerness awareness towards poor and vey confident at adopting a daughter will surely make your eyes wet once. And when you do a extra search by seeing the comments by her close ones and her impact on them you will get know what “gold” we have lost. Her charming beautiful face through the instant photographs taken aptly depicts her innocence. And seriously I have rarely came across innocence faces means the moment you see them you feel the brightness in them . And these innocence faces are mostly behind some of the hugest achievement of the mankind. And seriously she was so loving and lovable as well.
Hereby I am proud to be going through her blogs and seriously some part of myself( atleast of this moment) must not be complete without this. You have inspired me for this moment and my moment makes my life. Thank you
Rest in peace “TEJASWEE RAO”
Well my parent had combined family living in village called mehda sahpur.. My grandfather and his 3 sons and 3 daughter while his brother’s 5 sons and his step brother having 2 sons constituted the family. And now since my father’s birth after 46 years everything has changed and changed so drastically. My uncle is the 1st doctor from my village and university gold medalist and now a millionaire, my father 1st engineer followed by my younger uncle. While the rest three sisters my father though not most intelligent got settled in well lived family. Thanks to the prevailing of dowry system yet.
While to the contrary sons of mygranpa’s younger brother still struggling , just surviving and even sometimes starving.
3 of them are working under my uncle as workers , the other one had once opened a dress shop but it had to be closed and now he does simply nothing nothing while 1 is still roaming day and night here and there on the little left money of his father to earn money.
Talking about the 1st son of step brother of my grandfather , he has just got married. He is so laborious hardworking , all day for about 10 hours he teaches at a stretch even on Sunday and still just manage to earn just 3000rs. And his bro
ther has recently left studying and has been undergoing serious mental problems.
the pic above was taken december 2010 , he is my step uncle( only literally , he is truly like my elder and I have the most respect for him and I am missing him so much ki I thought write a post now) . His name sanjay pathak and currently 3rd year student in village called mehda sahpur. Whenever I used to go to village to meet him to his house ( their house was made separate and rarely they interact with other grandfathers and all) he would come to me and ask me ” ashish humko bhi thora english bata dona , kuch bata doge tab na school mein jaake kuch padha bhi sakenge “. And I always used tell whatever little know. I would tell him ” chacha aapko agar acha tution chalana hai to spoken english per dhyaan dijiye , apna pronunciation improve kariye aapko bahut tarakki milega and yahan ke bachho ko bhi ” and I remember last time (this november) when I met him I told him you need to listen to english news or for a beginner as you are , you should have somebody to teach basic pronunciations I told why not you call me daily for half an hour( ofcourse I have to call he cant afford this) and I shall tell you the basics and in few months or you will be master but then at that time he didn’t have even a cell . And latest story what I heard about him was that he got married to unknown.
Well its so strange na these three groups lived in the same home , same family but now in three words. Sometimes when I see myself and my uncle so spending so much on us it feels so much ashamed off. Well sanjay chacha and hhis brother dhananjay chacha are my uncle’s and father’s brother only but still
They only have sympathy for them and sometimes not even that.
When you will see sanjay chacha’s mother so beautifully cooking for his sons each morning with whatever dry cereals she have , it will surely make your eyes wet . When you will see his father coming after months from working as gatekeeper in nearby city for greeting their sons deepawali and having nothing for their children other then tight tearful hug. And when you see your parents and uncle coming on swift and scorpio on you surely believe the 3 worlds I am talking about.
the purpose of writing is not to arise any kind of statism nor any other kind of discrimination but to accept the fact it really exists and how long we ” self proclaimed educated, patriotic , well mannered cultured people” continue doing this.
i recently came across the write up by famous critically acclaimed directors of our time Prakash jha ” Bihar is to India what India is to West”. and it truly inspired me to raise my voice adding my personal , friends , college experience to it.
i am from patna , bihar. and i wont add india to my address as 1st i seek that our state gets it worth. its neither statism nor any kind of discrimination because i know i am an indian first. but what its worth when wherever (outside state) you go they ask for your state and mostly it leaves a very negative impression and we are not remembered for our name but for being tagged “bihari” ( ofcourse leavin aside excpetional talents)
we want our india to grow develop and prosper how can it be when you leave one state that is a mass of 9 crore people certainly its not possible.
last year i had been to kochi and there i committed mistake of getting posed for the pic at about 11:30 pm on main road . we were 3 friends from bihar. as we know rules are so strict in kochi , street police had to interfere in between and he at once guessed that we are from bihar only . as they had already set their negative notions to bihari people. yes we did mistake but i ask what those 9 crores minus 3 people do that you are blaming such large community as large as many European countries in terms of population. not this alone , many times you get to hear people making mocks of bihari people. these people even being troubled for getting into professional newtworks .i ask how dare they call themselves educated if they could this so cheap discrimination.
you take the case of bihari people being harassed in Maharashtra , it was surely utter nonsense. how can we blame such a large community on the basis of some wrong people belonging from there. criminals are everywhere and criminals are not a state they are individual . bihar produce far more goods then few bads. yes we agree some of these guys have done such that state name is ought to go down. and many of the times bihari people are caught victim atleast till recent past.yes we had been suffering for long due 15 years reign of awry government. yes bihar one of the poorest and most illeterate and more. but that doesnt mean they are to be left at themselves. we all need help to prosper. . you can never prosper as a whole if your one leg is always pulled in opposite direction. same is with our country. but we call ourselves literate ,educated once. so lets prove our education and its worth. lets charge against the wrong one wrong people . lets change ourselves lets change bihar lets change india as now a lot has changed with the arrival of nitish kumar. he is really doing some damn good works.
lets change our ill-thoughts , narrow mindedness and respect everyone as an individual not by his state, caste and religion,lets come to bihar undrstand its problem and try resolving it. We as india have a long way to go ,long way to excel , long way to show to the world india is at par with you all . and this can be done when we treat each of our people on the same ground . that is good or bad , positive and negative and so on. Amen
for me its always been , (infact till about 1.7 years ago) living for purpose. i am just 2nd year undergraduate student so its feel some irrelevant to use the word irrelevant here. but when i know the experience of living without purpose after living for purpose though some 3 years only it clearly clarifies to me why its seem like always to me now.
the problem with me now is that almost everyday i can enjoy almost every moment but just before my sleep or when i am alone i start encountering questions coming from nowhere. like what i am doing, what i wanted to do , what i want to do and what i have been doing. i never wanted to be like this and the endless list of permutations of the same question . and the more i am living unpurposefully the more i feel i am losing myself , and the more my self is departing from mine. the more of my concentration is degrading , my thoughts are becoming more diverse , scattered , useless , i am going on speaking i am just getting lost into the unknown and when sometime i realize what i am doing i am so upset with myself . and this has become the story of almost everyday .
and when i try to look for a change i find myself so reluctant to it. because inspite the absence of this purpose i find myself always cheering happy leaving aside those rare alone moments infact far more happier and smiling then others.
the cold war between these two has finally lead me to conclude that let it be done and wait for the answer from inside and i am damn sure i will get it soon. Amen